Saturday, October 31, 2009


By Nate Stone

1) A chaotic-evil level 106 druid with +32 charisma who leads a well-financed PAC of orcs.

2) A dashing pirate forever exiled to roam the seas for a rash mistake he made as a young and foolhardy junior senator.

3) An itinerant gypsy intent on kidnapping Glenn Beck’s family and selling them into white slavery, using the proceeds to pay for teenagers’ abortions.

4) The pupal form of a beautiful gypsy moth, which, by law, must select the head of the Federal Reserve when full grown by gracefully alighting on the chosen person’s shoulder.

5) King of the Blacks.

6) A pock-marked, pimply Burger King employee who commands the entire U.S. military on his smoke breaks.

7) A Lucha Libre wrestler named “El Presidente,” whose signature finishing move is drowning his opponent in dollar bills appropriated from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

8) Bono, or maybe the Edge.

9) A smooth-talking door-to-door salesman intent on selling Glenn Beck’s frail and confused grandmother a 1,200-page health care reform plan hidden inside a set of Tupperware that will melt into a deformed, pastel mess on the first day warmer than 80 degrees.

10) An international dancehall star who’s song “Up In Them Pants (Earmark Me)” was voted #1 Summer Jam of 2008 by the House Veterans’ Affairs Committee.

11) Strom Thurmond.

12) A sexier, smarter, funnier, much more likeable version of himself -- one that doesn’t cry so much.

* “This president, I think, has exposed himself as a guy—over and over and over again—who has a deep-seated hatred for white people, white culture, I don’t know what it is…I'm not saying he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a problem. He has…this guy, I believe, is a racist.”
—Glenn Beck, Fox and Friends, July 28, 2009

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