Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Denver Scene Report: Sarah’s Failin’ and the Death Panel Make-Believes



By Brian Polk

Sarah’s Failin’ and the Death Panel Make-Believes

SFatDPMB may have one of the longest names in punk rock, but they make up for it with exceedingly short songs. Formerly known as Hope Mongering in the Face of Eight Disastrous Years, (and before that, Bush Fisters) these Denver rabble-rousers have altered their moniker eight times in their five-year history. “We change our name every time society takes a shit,” says the group’s singer Jerry “Face-fucker” Stevens. “And let’s face it, we’ve had a massive case of diarrhea ever since Reagan took office.” After releasing its 2004 debut 7-inch, War Bacon is Fattening the Rich, the sneering 3-piece vowed to stir the political sauce with four-chorded songs that never top the two-minute mark. “We’re not pretentious art-rockers,” scoffs Stevens when asked about his unornamented song-writing approach. “How could you be, in this fucked up country?” Nine 7-inches and an oppressive American regime later, the group still has plenty to be mad about—even without its pubic enemy number one, George W. Bush—as evidenced with its latest effort, Tea-Bags of Hate.

Petty Complaints Corner (October/November)

By Brian Polk

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
I’m a first time writer, long time reader, and I need help! I was at work the other day when one of my co-workers, “Susan,” called in sick. Since she seemed fine the day before, I was convinced that she was faking it and told my supervisor that Susan might be lying about the premise for her paid day off. My supervisor told me to mind my own business and just forget about the whole thing. But because I am a cold-hearted, terrible person, I simply cannot forget about it. Should I continue to let my unfounded resentment and petty jealousy eat me up inside? Or should I go over my supervisor’s head and tell his supervisor about it?
—Prying In Tin Town

Dear PITT, You are indeed a cold-hearted, terrible person. Here’s what you should do: Call in sick tomorrow, relax in the tub with a good book, and try not to spend your time worrying about the fact that your co-workers may have lives outside of work. It’s just a job, you know; It's not your life. You shouldn’t get wrapped up in something as stupid and insignificant as a career. And don’t tell your supervisor’s supervisor. That’s a total jerk-move. Atom and His Package has a song called, “Mission 1: Avoid Job Working With Assholes.” It really should be, “Mission 1: Don’t Be An Asshole At Work.”

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
My girlfriend sometimes chats with her ex-boyfriend on the phone. Every time she laughs at one of his jokes, I fantasize about beating the shit out of him. Should I beat the shit out of him? I mean, what if she makes up some sort of excuse about going to the movies with her friends and they end up sleeping together?
—Jealous In Castle Rock

Dear JICR, I would knock it off. In fact just the other day, I was talking to my ex-girlfriend over the phone—telling jokes and just totally cracking her up. Her jealous boyfriend was within earshot and ended up getting really upset. In fact, he pissed her off so much that she made up some excuse about going to the movies and came over and had sex with me. As unlikely as it seems, this very thing could happen to you.

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
I am a taxpayer, damn it. And because I’m a taxpayer, I don’t like this socialist president of ours giving all my money to people who need it more than me. I have things I want to buy, damn it! And here this fascist president of ours goes and takes MY money! As a feller who pays his taxes, I sure as hell don’t want to help people with their medical bills. I got my own inadequate health coverage from my employer. And since I have mine, screw everyone else! (MERICA!) I was going to buy another flat screen TV for the guest bathroom, and now I’ll have to wait until next paycheck! Why? Because our Muslim president wants to punish taxpayers like me by taking my hard-earned money and giving it to his Muslim friends. A taxpayer like me shouldn’t have to put up with this Nazi president of ours. A taxpayer like me has rights. Taxpayer!
—Madly, Angrily Shelling Out Cash Hoards in St. Tammany

Dear MASOCHIST, everyone pays taxes, not just you. And plenty of taxpayers aren’t mean-spirited, radically selfish jerks like yourself. Let me remind you of a couple of things: (1) You reserved your fiscal judgment when Bush started two different trillion dollar wars that were responsible for wreacking havoc on sovereign nations and killing hundreds of thousands of people. (2) Then when Obama proposed spending nearly a trillion on actually helping people (and not killing them), you began your campaign of shouting semi-coherent, poorly researched claims at town hall meetings throughout the country. Even though I respect the fact that our constitution allows you to voice your opinion, I have absolutely no respect for how you’ve chosen to exercise that right. You harbor bigoted opinions that stand in glaring contrast to an ideology that was flawed at the onset. Hunter S. Thompson once criticized Bush voters by saying: “They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character.” This sentiment obviously applies to the Glen Beck/Sarah Palin followers who made it a point to deny folks the right to health care. What a fucking terrible way to go down the history books.

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Ever since my neighbor bought a new BMW 7-Series, I’ve been feeling inadequate. Should I go out and buy one to assuage my envy?
—Idolizing Dumb Inventions Over Tampa

Dear IDIOT, seriously? If you’re thinking a possession (like an exclusive pair of shoes or laptop or phone or, in this case, car) will bring you instant respect, you are sorely mistaking. All a BMW proves is that you’re a sucker for paying way too much for a car. Give your money to charity if you want respect.

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Send us your petty complaints: theyellowrake@gmail.com, or by mail: P.O. Box 100263, Denver, CO 80250