Friday, March 26, 2010

The Only Solution

By Drew Smith

Petty Complaints Corner (March/April 2010)

By Brian Polk

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
I heard someone speaking Mexican the other day. Can you believe it? In this country we speak English! Damn it! English! We don’t speak no Mexican. We ain’t morons speakin’ no backward language. No! Ain’t I don’t not want I hear nothing but that English.
—Redneck in Parker

Dear Redneck,
Where do I even begin? First of all it’s Spanish, a European language just like English. Second, what does it matter if you happened to overhear someone speaking a different European language than the one you know? It’s one thing to have feelings of inadequacy, but please don’t hide them behind your boastful ignorance—especially when your understanding and execution of the English language is so pitiful. There is nothing inherently superior about your European language, so please, show some respect. And if you don’t like it, go back to England.

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Is it okay to hate the haters? I mean, isn’t that kind of petty?
—She Has A Good Point in Sarasota

Dear SHAGPIS,
I suppose it’s probably not okay to hate the haters, but read the petty complaint above and marvel at how hard it is not to.

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
My brother Danny got more cake than me! It’s my twelfth birthday party and he got more cake! How fair is that? I tried telling mommy, but she doesn’t even care! First I didn’t get a pony, and now this? If you can’t help me I’m going to start crying! God, I hate Danny!
—Jealous of Cake in Dayton

Dear JOCID,
Oh jeez, you should talk to your counterpart in China. (“I didn’t get a pony!” you would say. “I make sneakers for 50 cents an hour and I don’t get bathroom breaks,” the Chinese girl would reply.) And then maybe you wouldn’t feel so depraved. Despite how you feel right now, your problems are definitely not as big as you think. In the mean time you might want to start crying. After all it is your party, and if that’s what you want to do…

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
My girlfriend of four years just broke up with me and I want her to pay. What should I do?
—Sad And Angry In Walla Walla

Dear SAAIWW,
You’re one of those guys, huh? I would suggest getting over it and moving on, but you wouldn’t take that advice seriously, would you? So try this: Take a shot of whiskey and slap yourself in the face. It won’t improve your situation, but I’d be lying if I said you didn’t deserve it.

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Dear Sir or Madam,
My cat is much prettier than me. Is it normal for people to have extremely good-looking pets?
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
I think you’re lost. This is the Petty Complaints Corner. You’re probably looking for the Crazy Questions Corner. It’s a few blocks up the road from here.

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Oh I’m sorry, I thought this was the Crazy Questions Corner.
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
It’s a common mistake. Our corners look extremely similar.

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Oh okay. So a few blocks up the street?
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
Yeah, just head north. You’ll pass the Equestrian Advice Corner and the Napkin Folding Crisis Intersection. If you hit the Overly Concerned Grandma Cull-De-Sac, you’ve gone too far.

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
Oh, no problem whatsoever.

Popular Features on the New 2010 Pickup Trucks


By Brian Polk

· Size of wheels have an inverse relationship to size of driver’s penis

· Turn signals disabled so driver never has to show weakness by using turn signals

· Due to driving exclusively in the suburbs, confederate flag mud flaps are for decoration only

· Glove box holds up to 37 cheeseburgers

· Sun roof allows the driver’s self-absorption to brim over the top after it thoroughly overflows the cab

· Plastic testicles hanging off the rear are to remind driver what balls might theoretically look like if driver had any

· Fuel economy (mpg): 12, driver wants to tell ya what he thinks ‘bout that Al Gore fella

· Digital CB Radio has unlimited minutes

· Chrome door handle covers finally give driver a hint of what dignity feels like

· Trailer hitch ball-mount is not actually functional for towing, but it sure looks purdy

· CD/MP3 player capable of alternating between country music and talk radio

· Sun visors strategically placed to disguise baldness

· Powerful sound of acceleration really scares the hell out of pedestrians, cyclists, and other do-gooders

· Double-wide seat accommodates the fattest of asses

· Optional sports rack fits guns, fishing poles, and other phallic-shaped man-tools

· Upgraded speaker system allows driver to turn stereo loud enough to drown out mental reminders of crippling inadequacy

· Price tag includes $50 contribution to republican party