Friday, March 26, 2010

Petty Complaints Corner (March/April 2010)

By Brian Polk

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
I heard someone speaking Mexican the other day. Can you believe it? In this country we speak English! Damn it! English! We don’t speak no Mexican. We ain’t morons speakin’ no backward language. No! Ain’t I don’t not want I hear nothing but that English.
—Redneck in Parker

Dear Redneck,
Where do I even begin? First of all it’s Spanish, a European language just like English. Second, what does it matter if you happened to overhear someone speaking a different European language than the one you know? It’s one thing to have feelings of inadequacy, but please don’t hide them behind your boastful ignorance—especially when your understanding and execution of the English language is so pitiful. There is nothing inherently superior about your European language, so please, show some respect. And if you don’t like it, go back to England.

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Is it okay to hate the haters? I mean, isn’t that kind of petty?
—She Has A Good Point in Sarasota

Dear SHAGPIS,
I suppose it’s probably not okay to hate the haters, but read the petty complaint above and marvel at how hard it is not to.

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
My brother Danny got more cake than me! It’s my twelfth birthday party and he got more cake! How fair is that? I tried telling mommy, but she doesn’t even care! First I didn’t get a pony, and now this? If you can’t help me I’m going to start crying! God, I hate Danny!
—Jealous of Cake in Dayton

Dear JOCID,
Oh jeez, you should talk to your counterpart in China. (“I didn’t get a pony!” you would say. “I make sneakers for 50 cents an hour and I don’t get bathroom breaks,” the Chinese girl would reply.) And then maybe you wouldn’t feel so depraved. Despite how you feel right now, your problems are definitely not as big as you think. In the mean time you might want to start crying. After all it is your party, and if that’s what you want to do…

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Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
My girlfriend of four years just broke up with me and I want her to pay. What should I do?
—Sad And Angry In Walla Walla

Dear SAAIWW,
You’re one of those guys, huh? I would suggest getting over it and moving on, but you wouldn’t take that advice seriously, would you? So try this: Take a shot of whiskey and slap yourself in the face. It won’t improve your situation, but I’d be lying if I said you didn’t deserve it.

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Dear Sir or Madam,
My cat is much prettier than me. Is it normal for people to have extremely good-looking pets?
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
I think you’re lost. This is the Petty Complaints Corner. You’re probably looking for the Crazy Questions Corner. It’s a few blocks up the road from here.

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Oh I’m sorry, I thought this was the Crazy Questions Corner.
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
It’s a common mistake. Our corners look extremely similar.

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Oh okay. So a few blocks up the street?
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
Yeah, just head north. You’ll pass the Equestrian Advice Corner and the Napkin Folding Crisis Intersection. If you hit the Overly Concerned Grandma Cull-De-Sac, you’ve gone too far.

Dear Petty Complaints Corner,
Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.
—Pretty Ugly in Syracuse

Dear P.U.,
Oh, no problem whatsoever.

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