Friday, January 21, 2011

The Great Debate: Meat Versus Vegetarianism

By Brian Polk and Abe Brennan

Abe is the singer of my band, Joy Subtraction. He practices the Meat Man Diet (popularly known as the Cave Man Diet, Paleo Diet, and Grunting Shit-tossing Diet). I am a vegetarian (popularly known as the I Can’t Eat That Diet, Sickly Looking Pale Diet, and Is a Veggie Burger All You Have Diet). We’re both extremely self-righteous and just plain mean to each other regarding our choices of what we eat. What follows is an exchange about our diets that occurred over the internet.


Brian: Remember when we were talking about cancer and its link to diet? Here are the leading causes of death in America:
Number of deaths for leading causes of death:

· Heart disease: 616,067
· Cancer: 562,875
· Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 135,952
· Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 127,92

As you can see, the number one cause is heart disease, which usually comes from clogged arteries, which of course comes from high cholesterol intake, which of course comes from meat and dairy products (since cholesterol is ONLY found in animal products and not from vegetables or vegetable oils). So basically, when all that meat rotting in your colon eventually gives you cancer and clogs your arteries, you can switch to a vegetarian diet in order to extend the life of your meaty body for a few years. Let me know when that happens and we'll do lunch.


Abe: Regarding cancer and its causes: I don't eat dairy products, so there's that. I also only eat lean meats. Responsibly raised lean meats devoid of the hormone treatments and other chemical tinkering that has resulted in our bloated, breathless populace. The rest of my diet consists of fresh fruit and vegetables, some items you may be familiar with. The other thing, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, is that soy causes cancer and Alzheimer's. It's the biggest cover-up in American history, way beyond Roswell or the Kennedy assassination. In 1954, Richard Nixon, when vice president under Eisenhower, headed up a secret cabal that funded soy promotion and production as a long-term plan to kill liberals in as slow, painful, degrading, and confusing a way as possible. So enjoy, soy boy! Way to play right into the right wing's hands. Have fun with your dementia.


Brian: Oh poor Abe. Apparently the lean meat rotting in your intestines has backed up so far that it is now rotting away your brain. You mention that soy (a food I eat in moderation) gives you cancer (rather than protecting you from it) and causes Alzheimer’s (another lie perpetuated by the beef industry). Do you not remember CO-INTEL-BRO, the Reagan-era program designed to transform otherwise compassionate liberals into mouth-frothing, knuckle-dragging meat-heads? It was actually Alexander Haig’s idea (it obviously wasn't Reagan’s, a man who couldn't even hold his own wiener while peeing). “I am in control here,” Haig famously liked to say. Less famously, he also said, “And because I’m in control, we have to find a way to force-feed meat to these pinko-hippies... [I]f we fail in this endeavor, generations of free spirits will be eating tofu off of each other’s naked, pristine bodies as they commence communal orgies in the middle of our nation’s national forests. A good steak will force these soy-munchers into joyless, monogamous missionary positions in no time. Then we’ll start another secret war in Central America somewhere. Who wants bacon?” As you can see, you should probably do some more research.


Abe:
Alex Haig was a puppet. Everyone (who isn’t an idiot) knows Caspar Weinberger, James Baker, and Ed Meese were the real power brokers — they picked on Haig all the time: knocked files out of his hands when he was walking down West Wing halls; made fart noises while he delivered briefings at cabinet meetings; formed a naked circle around him in the White House showers and shoved him back and forth until he cried (I imagine you know the feeling). CO-INTEL-BRO was a disinformation campaign that Meese instigated, and it was Weinberger who suggested linking Haig to the “program” and using him as a patsy. Meanwhile, Baker spearheaded the “scheme within a scheme” that became known as the Iran-Contra scandal. Guns for Iranians and cash for Central American guerillas were a smokescreen for the truly sinister aims of the plot: the introduction of cancer-laced soy and Ebola bean sprouts into food co-ops and health food markets around the United States. These disease strains were genetically designed to manifest in second and third generations, so it’s probably a good thing you and Vanessa have no plans to reproduce. I, on the other hand, by strictly eating lean meats, fruits, and vegetables, am merely following millions of years of evolutionary protocols. So put that in your bong and smoke it.


Brian: First of all, I have much better things to smoke that this drivel. Second, your theory of the Iran-Contra scandal is laughable by any interpretation of history. Reagan hated the Sandinistas because of their penchant for tofu. In fact before he began funding the Contras, he famously asked Daniel Ortega, “Where’s the beef?” Third, you’re playing into the hands of the right wing, man. Bush the Younger’s tax breaks—that is, the larger the waistband, the larger the cut (or “Operation Morbid Obesity” as he liked to call it)—benefited the meat and dairy industries for the great fattening of America. You’re not following millions of years of evolutionary protocol, you’re gorging yourself on the carcasses of a morally bankrupt industry. So put that in your colon and rot it.

Vegan Definition

Paleo Diet Wiki Page

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