Friday, January 21, 2011

The Paleolithic Diet

According to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

By Brian Polk

The Paleolithic Diet, also popularly referred to as the “caveman diet” or the “preferred cuisine of the macho macho man,” is a nutritional plan based on the notion that optimal human health is achieved by consuming the animal flesh that practitioners of the diet imagine their pre-agricultural, hunter/gatherer ancestors might have eaten if they had access to grocery stores where free-range meats were sold.

The diet originated in the 1970s as a backlash to the rise of 1960s vegetarianism. Since it was popularized by Dick “Professor Sausage” Ater, who wrote the 1972 book, Meat: Transforming Your Diet so You Don’t Feel Like Such an Emasculated Pussy all the Time, the Paleolithic Diet has grown in popularity among duders who attempt make up for their sexual frustration by perpetuating violence toward animals that they would never have the balls to hunt in the wild. Today scientists estimate that over 10,000 manly men — who have been psychologically castrated by their wives — practice the diet.

The Formation of Unified Carnivorous Knockwurst Eating Rabble-rousers organizes Paleolithic-themed cookouts on a bi-annual basis, with festivities occurring throughout the United States and Great Britain. Although specific observance differs according to region, the FUCKER Festivals generally include the following events: (1) Cow Shit Smear Welcome Hour, in which participants disrobe, smear cow shit on their faces, and howl incoherently at various pagan gods. (2) Territory Marking Contest, where contestants piss on one another in order to protect the territory of their meat. (3) Meat Deep Throat Extravaganza, which, surprisingly does not include blowjobs. (4) Blow Job Meet and Greet, which does. (5) Nap Time, which is pretty self-explanatory. And (6) Goodbyes and Man Cries, where everyone gets hugs and kisses and cries a little.

In 2006, Dick Ater died minutes after trying to pass an entire cow through his colon. Critics of the diet quickly capitalized on Ater’s death by pointing out the obvious connection to consuming an over-abundance of meat and dying from trying to shit it out. Ater’s wife, Anita Ater, vehemently denied any connection all the way up until her own death in 2009, when her attempt to crap out a flock of chickens took a fatal turn. The remaining Ater children, two of which have become steadfast vegans, declined to comment on their parents’ respective deaths or the absolute messes their corpses made of the master bathroom.

The “Free-Range” “Secret”
While most adherents of the Cave Man Meat-Fest claim to eat free-range meat, this is only something they say to get vegans and vegetarians to shut up while they gnaw on the salted remains of factory-farmed pig intestines.

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