Friday, January 21, 2011

veg • an

[n. vej-uhn or esp. British vee-guhn; v. vej-uhn]

By Abe Brennan

1. a strict vegetarian who consumes no animal or dairy products; a person who refrains from using any animal product whatever for food, clothing, or any other purpose.

2. a miserable person.

3. a dietary practice first adopted by twelfth-century European serfs because life didn’t suck hard enough for them back then. The clergymen and knights—with turkey drumsticks clutched in fat hands, mouths full of meat, grease dribbling down their chins—had a good laugh when one of them recounted seeing a couple of vegan peasants fighting over a rutabaga on the Yorkshire high road.

4. a communist, socialist, anarchist or other non-capitalist, non-God-fearing enemy of the United States of America and her business interests. The congregation was dismayed when the vegan snatched the Bible from the pastor, ripped it to shreds, and defecated on the remains while tearing a twenty-dollar bill in half and reciting the Communist Manifesto.

—verb (used with or without object)
1. to inundate a person (or group of people) with guilt. Eat dinner with Brian and Vanessa? Yeah, if I’m dying for a grade-A veganning all night. I may as well hang out at a mega-church wearing a “Got Abortion?” T-shirt.

2. to hector, annoy. She veganned me until I had to punch her in the face.

Trivia: The word is sometimes pronounced “veh jen” with a soft “g,” which sounds even dumber than the way people normally pronounce it.

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