Friday, April 29, 2011
The Greed First Institute: Rich are Ones at Bottom of “Trickle Down” Theory of Economics
By Brian Polk
Cornelius Albert Randus, chief executive of The Greed First Institute, confirmed at a press conference on Tuesday what economists have been saying for generations, sort of. According to Randus, the popular “Trickle Down” theory of economics, a seminal tenet of Reaganomics, benefits those at the foot of society, but that the “Trickle Down Triangle,” or TDT, is inverted, so that the rich are actually the ones at the bottom.
“Basically, the rich are on top of everything,” said Randus. “Society, financial markets, government — you name it, the rich are on top of it. It’s in this one area, the TDT, that the rich are actually at the bottom. You see, now we know how it feels to be down and out for once.”
The TDT, which was revealed for the first time at Tuesday’s press conference at the group’s Filthy Richie Center, demonstrates the success of the controversial economic theory by placing the richest 1% of Americans at the point of the upside-down triangle. Meanwhile, the richest 10% occupy a very small strip near the richest 1%, and after a considerable gap, the rest of Americans are at the base of the triangle, which, according to the model, is the “top.”
“As you can see here,” said Randus, pointing to the chart, “The poor are up at the top, trickling down what little riches they have to the wealthy at the bottom here. So basically, laissez faire capitalism, while terrible for the poor, is actually working wonders for people like me who don’t even need anymore money."
“So don’t let anyone tell you that Reaganomics doesn’t work!” Randus exclaimed to the crowd, prompting a standing ovation.
Throughout the press conference, hardy guffaws often tore through the overweight, tuxedo-clad audience — many of which wiped tears from their eyes with $100 bills — as Randus humorously underscored the irony of ruthlessly denying Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security to the poorest of Americans, while the billionaires in attendance continued to refuse to pay taxes they could easily afford 6,000 times over.
“I mean we could pay taxes,” said Randus over the bedlam, “but that wouldn’t be putting Greed First, would it?”
After the crowd quieted down, Randus steadied himself, and expounded upon the significance of his revelation.
“When Reagan enacted this theory of economics, he led average Americans to believe that they would somehow benefit from our wealth,” he said. “That it would ‘trickle down’ from our overflowing bank accounts into their dusty pockets. Of course we knew all along that the only trickling was from their bare refrigerators onto the massive buffets of our luxury yachts. I can’t believe that no one put it all together until now."
“Oh, and thanks for the bailouts, suckers!”
Meanwhile outside of the convention hall, a dozen or so protestors from the People In Need Charity held signs advertising slogans like, “Greed is wrong,” “We’re all in this together,” and at least one placard quoting Matthew 19:24, “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
“We’re basically here because we believe hoarding wealth is wrong when there are people in this country who lack access to basic medical care and healthy food to eat,” said Ricky Peate, one of the protestors. “At what point do these people say, ‘I’m rich enough. I don’t need anymore money’? I mean, these guys make more in a day than I made in the last three years.”
When asked to comment on the scant turnout on behalf of the protestors, Peate responded, “Well, several hundred of us planned on coming, but everyone else is hard at work, making these assholes even more money.”