Friday, October 11, 2013

Banning the Air you Exhale

Denver Mayor Michael Hancock hasn't exactly been friendly to legalized marijuana. And while his opposition is antithetical to the whole crazy idea of democracy, it has somehow managed to steer clear of comical ridiculousness. Until today, that is. According to the Denver Post, our brave mayor is proposing a new ordinance that will ban the smell of marijuana should it emanate from your backyard or car. In essence, he's attempting to ban the air you exhale, should said air contain the smoke of marijuana. In the mayor's wise words, (and by wise, I mean fucking idiotic), "Your activities should not pervade others' peace and ability to enjoy. Marijuana is one of those elements that can be quite pervasive and invasive. I shouldn't have to smell your activities from your backyard."

In keeping with this bizarre logic, I hereby propose a list of other odors that severely pervade my peace and ability to enjoy, and should therefore be criminalized...





1) Cooking meat. As a vegan I cannot sit in my backyard during the summer months and not smell meat. How am I supposed to enjoy my vegetables in peace with the scent of a couple of grilled steaks assaulting my nose holes?

2) Driving cars. If automobile exhaust isn't a downright attack on my ability to enjoy clean air, then I don't know what is. If we criminalized use of all combustible engines, I could sit in my backyard without the threat of dirty air pervading my lungs.

3) Sex in bedrooms with the windows open. When I lived in an apartment building, sometimes I could smell the scent of sex coming through an open window. Now, I'm not sure if the window was open during sex, or opened afterwards, so an ordinance outlawing this practice should probably take into consideration at least the half hour after the act, unless a generous amount of Febreze is used.

4) Dogs Pooping. The smell of my neighbor's dog's poop can sometimes inhibit my ability to enjoy my vegetables as much as the smell of cooked meat. Ban it! (This shouldn't apply to my dog's poop, because to me, his shit doesn't stink.)

5) B.O. Talk about hampering my ability to enjoy! Body odor should be outright illegal, as it mercilessly offends the nostrils! In fact, the offending parties should be doused in soap (but not cologne or perfume; see #6) and rinsed immediately.

6) All Colognes and Perfumes. Sometimes I'm in my backyard, hating my neighbors for cooking meat, coughing from all the pollution that rush hour causes, getting wafts of my other neighbor's recently-had sex, catching wiffs of dog poop, and smelling a passerby's B.O. when all of the sudden the mail carrier attempts to approach me with my mail, only to be violated by his awful cologne. (To be fair, the mail carrier's cologne and perfume may have rubbed off from all the free samples from those magazines he carries. We should probably ban those too.) Can't a man sunbathe in his backyard without all of these smells violating my peace and ability to enjoy? Where's an dimwitted, overzealous mayor when you need one?

Do you have suggestions of your own? I'm sure the mayor would love to hear about it!

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